PortalHomeCalendarFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 what do you think of dis story? (only the prologue)

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Riot
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 36
Reputation : -3
Join date : 2009-08-30

PostSubject: what do you think of dis story? (only the prologue)   Mon Sep 28, 2009 4:40 pm

The guards were walking past the cells and checking each one. The halls were barely lit but the rooms that were set up for each of the “Mentals” as the guards called them were set up specifically for the person. There was one way glass and one window for each room. The doors were steel so no one could escape, or so they thought until they looked at the last room and saw the door open. The guards went for the alarm to warn the staff of the hospital that one of the patients had escaped. They grabbed the phone and yelled at what they had heard.

Jacen had looked around the corner to avoid the staff and saw the corridor was empty. The corridor that he was walking down was very dark, almost to the point of blackness, but he could see where he was going, the window. He had almost been there when the alarm went off and the guards saw him and proceeded to scream at him. “Plesae stay here! your not stable! we can help you!” Jacen had looked at the guard and said “How can you help brilliance?” Then he jumped out the window.

Jacen had landed safely on the ground and walked over a few feet to where he put the parts for the gun he had been building. It took him a few more minutes then he had expected, but it was dark and this escape was planned for the daytime. Jacen looked at the semi-automatic he had finished and ran towards the staff’s cars. Jacen got to the parking lot and shot a window so he could open the door and get in, after that he shot a few centimeters under the steering wheel and started to hot wire the car. The car was a nice bright red Ferrari with what he had heard to be a V8 engine; he had picked the car months ago for his escape. Jacen pressed the gas pedal down to the ground and smashed through the gates, He was free.


Being in the asylum for such a long time had made Jacen forgot what people did at night, he look at two gangs fighting over territory all of the gang members appeared to vary from 17-23 and all had hoods up so their identities couldn’t be seen easily. There were two people kissing on a porch, but only it didn’t look like kissing, it looked more like the guy was eating the woman’s face. He drove closer to the lake and saw about five kids who looked to be around fifteen were attempting to break into a store. The lake was coming up and he unlocked the car, unbuckled the seatbelt and jumped out of the car right before it was thrown into the lake.

Memorizing anything he saw almost the minute he saw it had helped him remember the layout of the city years before his capture but after he had known they would take him away. An old warehouse was picked, one that everyone said was haunted, and Jacen knew it was haunted because he had seen the demons and spirit’s himself, even though they weren’t supposed to exist. Jacen had made contact with the spirits on purpose; he needed to know what he needed to do about his “episodes”.

Jacen was walking to the warehouse now after driving the car into a lake to cover up his tracks. The warehouse was grayish black with rust all over it, inside it was stockpiled with mountains of boxes of products that were never sold. He opened one of the boxes finding some broken radios on top, but after a bit of digging he had found one that didn’t have cord missing or knobs torn off. He took the radio, plugged it in and turned it on so he could get some news.

Just as he had predicted his escape was all over the news. “Jacen Guthing, age 17, short brown hair and green eyes had recently escaped from Smantham Asylum today; He is clamed to be armed, is legally insane and is not afraid to kill anyone that stands in his way, If you see this teen please call the proper authorities. Now we will move on to the new show-” Jacen unplugged the radio and started to sleep, last time he checked in the car it was 2:00 in the morning, and if he didn’t get sleep he tended to be a bit angry at anything.


Last edited by Riot on Thu Oct 01, 2009 2:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Riot
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 36
Reputation : -3
Join date : 2009-08-30

PostSubject: Re: what do you think of dis story? (only the prologue)   Mon Sep 28, 2009 8:36 pm

c'mon guys! tell me what you think!
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Evolution
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 97
Reputation : 1
Join date : 2009-09-19

PostSubject: Re: what do you think of dis story? (only the prologue)   Tue Sep 29, 2009 1:15 am

Mad i didnt want to finish reading it!

Sounds great though! thumbsup

Add onto it please.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Drkdragon1017
Member
Member
avatar

Posts : 5
Reputation : 0
Join date : 2009-08-30

PostSubject: Re: what do you think of dis story? (only the prologue)   Tue Sep 29, 2009 8:42 pm

i thought it was an impressive story, at least so far, ADD ONTO IT I WANNA READ MORE! Very Happy
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Dysmas
Member
Member
avatar

Posts : 50
Reputation : -2
Join date : 2009-09-20

PostSubject: Re: what do you think of dis story? (only the prologue)   Thu Oct 01, 2009 12:46 pm

Okay...Well I didn't read it, but I noticed somethings right away...

Work on structure...Every time someone new starts speaking it is a NEW paragraph, not a continuation of the previous one...

Also, I do not ever recall reading a book in which the author decided to SCREAM AT HIS AUDIENCE BY USING ALL CAPS. Yelling is implied when you say "And he yelled "I am yelling at you!""...
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: what do you think of dis story? (only the prologue)   

Back to top Go down
 
what do you think of dis story? (only the prologue)
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Toy Story LEGO + MATTEL WWE
» Is death essential to good story writing?
» Campaign Story Challenge : ERA, "The Mass" Story
» Thinkaway's "Collectors" Toy Story Figures
» Possible story idea

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Clan SOL :: Anything :: Off Topic-
Jump to: